quiltingdragon

Just needed a place to set some random thoughts down that isn't FB, and I'm not convinced of the security over on LJ anymore.

I'm struggling right now, trying to get used to the fact that I may (I hope) improve, but I will never be "all well" again.

I finally got my Long Covid-19 diagnosis in December, and I've started an intensive program since then - Physical and Occupational therapy, probably adding speech therapy as despite two dilations I am still having trouble swallowing and I am having some brain fog still - having trouble with short-term recall especially, and words not coming out right - I will try to say "garage" and get "garbage", etc.

I'm now up to 22 doctors at BJC/Washington University, if they ever get the rheumatology referral thru. It has been sitting at "processing" for almost 2 months now.

Due for my twice yearly screen after my cancer scare, and since they want me to have it at the cancer center, and because apparently my meds and my copays (I've paid out over $1000 so far this year) don't count towards my deductible, just out of pocket, I had to come up with $1500. Ow. I'm lucky to have the availability to borrow it from family, but what do people do who can't come up with it? Our healthcare system is so screwed up.

Working on trying to get the house in some sort of basic order, but it is going to take months after years of neglect. First illness and the pandemic, now one family member with long covid and the other being treated for prostate cancer. We keep up with the very basics, but that's it.

So we've got plans in place for access improvement, which should make some tasks easier. Taking this a day at a time. I just wish I would stop feeling like several days attacked me at once!

You’re not hungry, you’re bored.

You shouldn’t eat your feelings.

I thought I taught you to never grocery shop when you’re hungry.

Are you going to eat all that?

What do you MEAN, you ate the whole bag of chips? Do you know how many calories you just ate?

I can’t remember a time where this wasn’t an issue. I am, after all, a woman living in America, home of glorified burnout and overwork while neglecting your personal needs, like rest, exercise and regular mealtimes.

It is so easy to just grab whatever’s handy when you are hungry. Or stressed. Or too exhausted to cook.

The mindless eating which leads to the accompanying weight gain, guilt, shame and self-loathing. That has always been blamed on laziness or lack of willpower.

I never knew there was a name for it.

Lonely Mouth.

So many causes. Stress. Tiredness. Apathy. Feeling

Isolated.

Maybe now that it has a name, I can confront it and learn to tell it no, that it is not self-care, and it isn’t serving me well.

Actually using my journal over here so I can learn how all of the functions work, as LJ Idol is going to have a mini season over here at Dreamwidth in September.